Beaten by the Ugly Stick

Toon Terrors

Waiting expectantly below is the most frightening football team ever assembled. We have unearthed the ugliest team ever to play in the black and white stripes of the Magpies.

So horrific are some of the images, that we recommend that people of a nervous disposition hit the back button on their browser now. Toonarama can take no responsibility for anyone who experiences any immediate or long-term medical problems as a result of viewing the repulsive images on this page.

A final warning, Peter Beardsley and Bobby Shinton were both deemed too good looking to make the first eleven.

When you've finished and if you want more why not take a look at the bruisers making up the "B team".

Albert McInroy

You could call Albert's face "lived in"; and we're not talking penthouse flat; he has the gnarled look of an old seadog. A poisoned finger led to talk of an amputation; but head transplants were not readily available in those days.

Mcinroy was United's first choice 'keeper between 1929 and 1934 making 160 appearances. He was part of the victorious United side that lifted the FA Cup in 1932 but two years later he left the club after getting involved in a dispute with the directors over benefit payments.

McInroy allegedly asking for money to pay for cosmetic surgery to re-arrange his features; the direcors helpfully sold him to Sunderland where his disfigurement would no longer stand out.

Robert Benson

It was a bit of a struggle to find a decent right-back and at on stage John Brownlie was the original favourite largely because of the incongruous combination of catweazle features and a curly blonde perm. But the decision finally went to Robert Benson a player who was at the club from December 1902 to September 1904 but was only given one chance in the team.

His features are not so horrifying as some of the rest of his team mates, but he does have such a miserable, sullen face that he deserves some recognition

People claim that happy people live longer; poor Robert died at the young age of 33 after guesting for Arsenal two years after he had retired

Martin Gorry

Gory (as he was known) was bought by Gordon Lee; a man with a wonderful eye for talent. He was ugly and ****, but he was english and white which was good enough for our politically incorrect boss.

His neatly styled late seventies shoulder length hair and side parting are not enough to disguise the fact that he's not a pretty sight.

He made one substitute appearence before he found his level at Hartlepool where he was voted Player of the Year.

Wilf Low

Low was a great servant to the club appearing 378 times between 1909 and his retirement in 1924; then becoming assistant trainer and eventually groundsmen until his death.

Low's nickname was "The Laughing Cavalier" and it is heartwarming to know that even in those days of unsubtle music hall humour irony played a part.

Glenn Roeder

Probably a bit of a controversial choice as United have had their fair share of craggy central defenders and Glenda is certainly not one of them.

He was reknowned for his graceful gait and the "Roeder shuffle" with which he used to confuse opposing strikers into letting him past

Roeder made over 200 appearances from 1983 to 1989 and gets our vote because his face looks as though it has been involved in a nasty incident with a high suction vacuum cleaner. A hospital spokesman advised us that it was highly possible that this was the cause of Roeder's facial deformity, adding that men were often admitted following similar hoover incidents

Keith Kettleborough

Now it's hard to know where to start with Keith. Is it the pinhead, or the heavy brow or the hooked nose or those incredible buck teeth. He hasn't been hit with the ugly stick he's been subjected to a full frontal assault.

However lest we not forget that it was the signing of Kettleborough in January 1966 that is widely acknowledged as saving United from an immediate return to Division 2 in 1965/66.

Despite starring in a United shirt he was judged to be just too frightening for young impressionable supporters and was shipped off the Doncaster in December of the same year where he became their player manager. Have you ever seen a potrait photo of this man, I think not, we believe they were all destroyed in a ritual burning on Leazes Park Lake.

Clarence Acuna

Clarence had the heart of a lion and the face of one too; you certainly wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alley.

Joe Allon

Due to the proliferation of ugly strikers Joe Allon has had to be shipped out to the right wing; not good news for the spectators on the touchline. Allon looked like a cross between Martina Navratilova and Nijinski and played football in the same manner.

A team mate of Gazza when United lifted the FA Youth Cup in 1985, Joe framed his striking physical features with a shocking blonde mullet. He thankfully left for Swansea on a free after only 10 games and 2 goals.

William Cairns

It takes a real belter to keep the likes of Beardo, Shinton and William Curry out of the striking positions, but Oor Wullie has the face to do it. He has an excellent strike rate too; 53 goals in 90 starts between 1933 and 1946. perhaps defenders did not fancy getting too close to him.

A Cairn is a pyramid of rough stones and Willies face certainly has an unpolished look, indeed he looks as though he's been through a few rounds with Sonny Liston, and Joe Frazier and Mike Tyson.

Alan Kirkman

Just when you thought it could get no worse along comes Alan Kirkman. A player whose face was so unpalatable that he was sold only four months after he was signed.

Credit where credit is due though; his hairstyle provided the inspiration for certain members of eighties psychobilly funsters King Kurt

Tommy Lang

And finally we have Tommy Lang who made 230 appearances between 1926 and 1934 scoring 58 goals; a great return from a left winger.

He was a little man with big protruding ears which were perfectly counter balanced by his elongated forehead and goofy teeth. Rock on Tommy!