Namism - The Shocking Truth!

United's trade in body parts uncovered

Tipped off by a current Newcastle star our undercover investigators have discovered that the Magpies management may soon be hit by another scandal. The player (one of our brightest young stars) did - for obvious reasons- not want to be named, but he has made serious allegations about rampant "namism" within the club.

He has claimed that certain players are having their first-team chances restricted because of their names. The young player, recently capped by England, stated that he was disappointed by the managers attitude. "When I first arrived he seemed to really take to me" he said "he kept going on about how we shared the same birthday". "But now - simply because my name has part of a human body in it - I feel it is becoming more and more difficult for me".

We were initially sceptical about the star's claims, but then - when we started investigating other players with names with bits of bodies in them - a shocking picture emerged. Read the evidence for yourself and draw your own conclusions, as you can see we have found a whole team of victims!

John Hynd 1894-1895

John Hynd was only allowed 9 appearances for United in the club's second season in the Football League, despite conceding only four goals on his debut. He was sold after being at the club for only 5 months.

Having a name that means "posterior" would not generally be regarded as an advantage in life, although I guess it is better than acting like the exit to one as so many players do these days.

Tony Bellended up as the only potential rival for the Number 1 shirt but I thought that would be stretching it a bit. Tony only made a single appearance for the club, scoring an unfortunate own goal that will be remembered for posterity due to it's inclusion on a video tape of "Own Goals and Gaffs". Perhaps his appearance on this tape is no coincidence!

Robert Whitehead 1954-1962

Although at the club for eight years Bob was only allowed in the first team on 20 occasions, the rest of the time he was left slumming it with the "stiffs". Whitehead's - for those who did not suffer from them in their pubescent years - are small white spots which offset by acne give the highlights to the pizza-ridden sufferer.

Thomas Wills 1903 - 1906

What's a Wills I hear you ask. Well "Wills" was discovered playing in local junior football in Scotland; a favourite hunting ground for the club during this period. He was put straight into the team and appeared to have a very bright future at the club.

But then the Newcastle directors found out that "Wills" had dropped a couple of vowels from his surname in order to establish himself in football. His career on Tyneside was effectively over.

In all he played 19 times for the club before moving to Crystal Palace. Eventually he was forced to emigrate to South Africa when his deception was made public.

Hugh Bulloch 1935-36

Now I know what you're thinking, this man's surname is not a body part. True, but did you know that Toon-mad Chris (VIZ) Donaldson was inspired by his name to create the character "Buster Gonad and his unfeasibly large testicles".

The balding Bulloch was restricted to only 5 appearances before being shipped out on a free transfer after only 10 months at the club.

Wilfred Innerd 1900-1905

For the ill-educated among you your "innerds" are all those bits and bobs inside your skin which you never get to see unless you experience a particularly horrendous toilet situation.

Despite being at the club for 5 years he also made only 5 appearances.

Ian Bogie 1985-1989

Ian Bogie who was a member of the same youth team that included Gazza. Indeed, when the fat lad departed laden with mars bars to White Hart Lane, Bogie was labelled as the "new Gazza".

Unfortunately the lad was never given an extended run in the team and left for Preston after making less than 10 appearances.

It is a little known fact that "Bogie" was actually a nickname, his real name being Ian Nasal Mucus.

Archibald Gourlay 1988-1992

Signed from Morton as a 19 year old by Ossie Ardilles who said at the time that he was "one of the most talented players on our books" . Despite this recommendation his skilful ball playing resulted in a mere 2 appearances with 3 more as a substitute.

He may have had better luck if he had been at the club during Ruud Gullit's reign as the dreadlocked Dutchmen was a firm believer that for personal hygiene reasons pubic areas should indeed be free of hair.

Wilfred Bott 1934-1936

Bott was a nippy little winger who was renowned for cutting in and having a shot at goal. He made a sensational start with the Magpies scoring a hat-trick; the Times match report leading with the headline "Bum's Rush".

But despite scoring 15 goals in 44 appearances he only survived 18 months at the club before he was sold to QPR.

Arthur Edwin Bottom - 1958-1958

Signed from York in February 1958 when United were in a relegation position, his tremendous return of 7 goals in 8 appearances (including 2 on his debut) helped save the club from the drop.

The Toon fans even composed a song for him: "Arthur Bottom, Arthur Bottom, Arthur Arthur Bottom..He shoots so hard no one can stop them, Arthur Arthur Bottom".

Despite his great success he only made 3 more appearances the following season (and scored 3 more goals) before he was sold to Chesterfield.

George Mole 1900-1900

Mr. Mole was only given one game (in which he scored the only goal in a 4-1 defeat at Preston) before he too was "buried".

We did consider Bobby Shinton for this position 47(2) appearances and 10 goals, but decided that the overwhelming evidence suggests that he was sold because he was sh**e.

George Hair 1943-1949

One of the smallest players ever to play for Newcastle George was signed in May 1943 for the princely sum of 10 guineas. Despite starring for the reserves he only made 26 appearance scoring 8 goals.

Arthur Cox 1980-1984

Still need convincing, then what about a manager too, Arthur Cox. Cox had just got Newcastle promoted in great style following years in the doldrums and rightfully expected that he might be rewarded with a decent contract.

The directors did not want to give him one so he resigned. Why? Obviously because the directors were concerned that the club, without the retiring Keegan, may struggle in the top flight leading to embarassing terrace chants calling for the manager's removal.