Toonarama - Shearcuts
Shear wigs
Alan Shearer has decided he needs a new image so he has decided to adopt the style of some famous names from the past - which style do you think he should go for?
We examine a number of styles, not just to see how they might help Alan's appearence, but also from the angle of improving his contribution to the team.
Edwardian Elegance - Charlie Watts
Simply by adding the trademark handlebar 'tache, Alan is transformed into an elegant player from the Edwardian era. But what has this look to offer Alan?
It is hard to see how it could impact his overall player; but take an alternative viewpoint and you could imagine how it might stop Premiership defenders from getting too close giving Alan that all important room to swivel around and get in a shot.
Bobby Dazzler - Bobby Mitchell
Years and years of wing wizadry can have unforseen effects on the barnet. Jinking from side to side cause wave like air currents to build up aroung the head creating a "cornetto" type arrangement of the follicles. Bobby Mitchell appeared over 400 times for United and by the end of his career the impact was there for all to see
With such a cantilevered hair style Alan could immediately grow at least 6 inches giving him extra advantage in the air. The tightly arranged waves would also give added zip to any headers.
Scouse Bubble - Terry Mac
The early eighties bubble perm was popularised by KK, but was taken to new levels by Terry Mac who added the Scouse 'tache.
This cut has some obvious advantages; with the hair kept tightly in place there is no danger of reduced visibility and is harder for an Italian to get hold of. But there are some less well known plusses.
It has often been stated that United would not have won promotion in 1983/84 if it had not been for the pervasive perm sported not only by KK and TM but also by David Mills and John Trewick. Its spongy brillo pad qualities allowed for greater ball control (under the right weather conditions the ball literally "sticking" to the hair) and added header projection.
Fell into disrepute when it became inextricably associated with shellsuits and thieving Scousers, but Terry Mac has remained a bubble boy.
Seventies Rockers - SuperMac
The real flash strikers of the early 70's combined a carefully groomed side partings with extensive and unwieldy sideburns. Nobody carried out this look with more aplomb than Supermac himself
Unfortunately, this cut is the triumph of style over substance. It adds nothing to the player's performance, indeed it was used as a way of saying, look at me I'm still a great goalscorer despite this crap haircut. The need for constant grooming to keep the sideburns in check also caused near financial ruin among some lesser known players
Seventies Glam - Barrowclough
For many sideburns were just not possible; footballers careers are short and some players just could not achieve the required growth. For these unfortunate players there was no option but to go for the all together more effeminate look of shoulder length hair
Some real sad cases took it further by having a perm as well, but the more manly ones like wor Stewart adopted a more carefree, unkempt look. Grown to a reasonable length such hair was very useful for wingers like Stewart as it would blow into the faces of unfortunate defenders who got too close. Retaining an element of greasiness also helped to make them more slippery opponents
Slapheed - Ketsbiai
Spurred on by famous slapheeds like Duncan Goodhew and Buster Bloodvessel, nineties footballers who were folically challenged adopted a radical new approach. No longer were attempts made to arrange the handful of hairs ala Bobby Charlton, instead the heads were shaved and players were bald and proud.
Temuri is United's finest example of this look. The effectiveness of the style is very much dependent upon weather conditions. On a sunny day careful angling of the head can reflect the rays of sun directly into the eyes of the opponent causing temporary blindness, thus allowing the smooth-headed player to loose his marker with ease. However on a wet day (and without a drying aid close) the head becomes very slippery and heading the ball becomes a bit of a lottery
Recent scientific research has also provided disturbing evidence that heading the ball with an "unprotected" head can cause damage to certain parts of the brain which causes the victim to run round in ever decreasing circles
Rastaman - Gullit
When Ruud Gullit came to Newcastle he took managerial hairstyles to a new level of cool. His rasta dreads were so impressive that nobody noticed the crass statements, dodgy decisions and the signing of Marcellino.
Adopting such a style would have it's advantages. Alan's strong neck muscles would be able to flick those dreads at such a speed that they could literally take somebody's eye out
But the fact is he is the son of a sheet-metal worker from Gosfoth and there is no way he could countenance such underhand tactics. And besides it is a well known fact that the main reason that the two men disliked each other so much was their differing views on hair. Shearer (never anything other than a sensible haircut) couldn't bear to watch Gullit flaunt his dreads, flicking his head like a strutting peacock so they animatedly bounced around atop his crown.
The derby game with Sunderland brought things to a head as Shearer and Ferguson giggled behind a furious Gullit whose hair had been rendered totally flacid and lifeless by the torrential rain. The rest, as we say, is history
Baby Mullet - Waddle
Footballers hairstyles range from the smart and sublime, to the wild and ridiculous and just occasionally they manage to combine all these characteristics. The infamous mullet of the late eighties is the perfect example of such an atrocity.
It wasn't until Waddle left for the bright lights of London that he really adopted the style, but in his latter days at Newcastle the early signs were already there. The hair on top is too full and bouncy and the hair at the back is far too short, but it is clear that the malignancy is starting to take hold
Does the mullet have anything to offer our Alan? The answer must be a resounding no! Never again must this horrific hairstyle be allowed to take hold again.