On Young Shoulders

An Austrian professor who used to be employed by the American Government at the Kirshner Hospital and Transplant Foundation has claimed that he could extend the playing career of United hero Alan Shearer by at least 10 years. He would do this by transplanting Shearer's head onto the younger body of Shola Ameobi.

Professor Heinz Kritzfeld states that it is not a new technique. The operation was successfully carried out in 1971 by an American; Doctor Desmond. The doctor transplanted the head of Maxwell Kirschner (director of the hospital where Kritzfeld was employed who was dying of lung cancer) onto the body of another man.

The procedure was not publicised because Kirschner was a bigot and a racist and was not happy having his head growing out of a 24 stone black convict.

In the end Kirschner's head was detached again and was left on a hospital support system until his death three years later when a new cleaner needed a socket for their vacuum.

And in 2001 Professor Robert White, from Cleveland Ohio, transplanted a whole monkey's head onto another monkey's body, and the animal survived for some time after the operation.

Now Kritzfeld has approached United chairman Freddie Shepherd with the idea of performing the operation next summer.

United have officially denied the story however an informed insider has suggested that the club are looking into the professor's claims; "it would be a perfect case of an old head on young shoulders"

But despite the fact that Shearer is the son of a sheet-metal worker from Gosforth who would do everything he could to bring success to the club, a close friend has suggested he may turn down the opportunity. "Alan is a family man" he said and "although he loves the club he has to think of his wife and children. If he has to be round Shola's house all the time who would creosote the fence?"

Another potential pitfall could be that the extra head might not be within the rules. A Premier league spokesman made the following statement

"This would be a decision for our lawyers. Although there is no specific rule banning facial deformities, just look at Ian Dowie, but an extra head is something a bit different. The question is would he count as one player or two?