Fallen out of the Ugly Tree

Toon Terrors

Hours of hours of work goes into writing detailed and - hopefully - illuminating articles on this site, but the most viewed page continues to be that depicting some less than radiant visages of past United incumbents.

Therefore we have decided it is time to bring you another bakers dozen - less two - who have not only fallen from the Ugly Tree, but have hit every branch on the way down.

Hover over the thumbnails to browse the beauties. Easy when exploring but if you're a firefox it only seems to work at the top or bottom of the image so a little finger wiggling may be necessary. So without further ado, it's on with the show!.

John Burridge

Very few of us wear particularly well over the years and keeping playing until the only pass you should be receiving is from the bus company gives “Budgie” an unfair advantage.

His contortion exercises might have allowed him to retain the body of a young duckling but facially speaking he was definitely an “old bird”.

John Anderson

And the song goes : “When Irish eyes are smiling. Sure, they steal your heart away".

But what if those Irish eyes are glaring at you in the demented manner of a murderous psychopath? Dubliner Ando’s features are perhaps a little too passé for this eleven, but he gets selected on his ability to make opposing forwards soil their underwear.

Frank Clark

He might have been a good friend of your father but would you let your daughter “walk out” with this man?

Guitar strumming beatnik Clarkie looks like he wants to be the fifth member of the Beatles and his prematurely sagging features do remind one of Macca.

However Frank's face looks more grunge than poptastic

Duncan Neale

Jimmy Scoular - man of iron and face of leather - would have been an easy choice here but we have taken an outsider in Sxties heart throb Duncan Frederick Neale

Some would argue that he has no place in this bevy of non beauty, but it was just that blandness of face that caught our eye

Keith Kettleborough

After we published our first urinary of ugliness we had many complaints (some of them from people with full mental capabilities) that the portrait of Master Kettleborough was unflattering.

To be fair the picture was pathetic. So to recompense we have allowed Keith to also join this new side and have produced a new illustration. I think you will agree this does him much better justice.

Jim Iley

It is an oft quoted remark that “bald is beautiful” and despite still possessing a full head of hair I can see some merit in this argument.

However bald with a rump of follicular growth – no matter how kempt – is never acceptable. Unfortunately the 1960’s saw a rash of “Bobby” haircuts amongst players who did not want to go for the “full monty”.

Finlay Speedie

Oh Finlay, laid to rest some fifty years ago but not forgotten by Toonarama

Played in many a position in United's great Edwardian side before serving with the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders during the First World War

Injured in battle, one can only assume the enemy was out of his earshot, a very long way away indeed.

Bill Curry

In the fine tradition of other “jug-eared” stars like Tommy Lang, Bill’s audio analysers certainly do not disappoint.

Curry was a hot shot in the juniors and he graduated to the first team in the mid-fifties. His skills gave United directors food for thought but his mug was more of a dog's dinner.

Peter Withe

This team has a surfeit of folically challenged footballers, but that is certainly not the case with our next selection who has gone down in Tyneside folklore.

Facial hair knows no bounds on Peter and it will come as no surprise that he was very good in the lair and specialised in “looping” headers.

Lycanthropy is an unusual hobby for the professional footballer and certainly Brian Clough was only too happy to get rid of him when he learned of his "outside" interests. But United needed a fierce competitor and Peter was ready to prowl.

George Reilly

Rambo Reilly formed part of probably the least visually aesthetic forward line in United's history when he partnered Beardsley, Cunningham and Waddle up front.

Although his craggy visage qualifies him without quibble the real horror lay beneath with United’s mid 80’s “hot shorts” revealing far more thigh flesh than should ever be seen on a football park.

Bill Punton

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder; well you would have to be in possession of some pretty strong wacky backy to see some in Bill’ face.